Monday, December 19, 2011

the decider

What’s been the best decision you made this year?

Here is a tip. If you're not sure what the answer to one of these year-end reflection questions may be and you decide that taking a little look-see into the new Facebook Timeline feature might help you figure it out, please let me advise you to STOP. CEASE. DESIST. It will only cause you to get hopelessly lost in the past, reeling from the pain of nostalgia (can you be nostalgic for a time that only occurred several months ago?!). It will not help you answer the question, only force you to re-live your recent failures and mourn the loss of those good old days of yore (i.e., yesterday).

Ahem. I'm pretty convinced that decisions are just decisions. Once made, they're neither good nor bad - just done. Also, I hate making decisions. I analyze and agonize and ultimately despise change of any sort. Also too, experts say making too many decisions depletes your ability to make any. So. I decided to go to Portland for vacation. I decided to travel less. I decided to bake more bread and read more(!) books. I decided to live internet-free (at home). I decided to move into my parents' attic for a while. I decided to become a pastor. I decided to like kale. I decided to date some people and to not date some others. I decided to paint my toenails red, always. I decided to stop caring about some things so that I could care more about others. I decided to start a retirement fund. I decided to write letters and answer phone calls. I decided not to live in Ghana. I decided to take my iron every day. I decided to eat granola some mornings and toast some others. I decided to wear chacos until my toes froze. I decided to hike a mountain a month. I decided to take the train. I decided to listen to Wilco, and Thao and Mirah, and Gillian Welch. I decided to give in and be hopeful despite my best intentions.

Who knows which of those were good, which were bad, and which were completely and utterly without any significant impact whatsoever. I'm saying: my decision-making reserves are depleted. I think I'll just sit here and practice those involuntary things like breathing and existing for a while.

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